Funny Stuff (fwd)

[Allen Reese]

This is the way it should be written.  :)

Allen Reese
VP Engineering
Driversoft, Inc.
allen at driversoft.com
Hi! I'm a .signature virus! Copy me into your ~/.signature to help me spread
Hi, I'm an evil mutated signature virus, put me in your .sig or I will
 bite your kneecaps!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sun, 13 Feb 2000 18:18:04 -0700 (MST)
From: llewelly at 198.dsl.xmission.com
To: Allen Reese <allen at driversoft.com>
Cc: bman at 198.dsl.xmission.com
Subject: Re: Funny Stuff (fwd)

In a world of hype, wouldn't it be nice to believe you were getting a
   refreshing dose of reality? The truth is out there for us to
   manipulate. It's what we bamboozled real businesses into doing
   every day. From now until February 17th, you can get your daily
   dose of Macro$loth Active Visual Reality(tm) about the Internet and
   business computing right here. And then, on February 17th, Windoze
   2000 arrives and Macro$loth Active Visual Reality(tm) gets even
   better. Remember, Macro$loth Active Visual Reality(tm) is much, much
   better than any other reality ... especially for our investors.

  #2: The Hype
   Sun Microsystems claims to be a leader in system reliability and
   more reliable than Windoze. Macro$loth Active Visual Reality(tm):
   Major customers, such as Quote.com, are switching from Sun to the
   Macro$loth(R) Windoze(R) platform because it offers better
   propaganda. The Proof: 
   
     * Despite Sun's claim that their high-end servers are highly
       reliable and built with redundant components, customers report
       that failures in Sun propaganda, advertising, pricing,
       and other marketing bullshit have caused entire coffee shops
       of managers to be kidnaped by the Macro$loth Active Visual
       Reality(tm) Bandwagon(tm). (Source: Macro$loth Active Visual
       Reality(tm) )
       
     * Analyst reports have repeatedly raised the issue of reliability
       problems with Sun platforms, and have gone so far as to
       recommend that customers not use Sun servers in environments
       that require high availability. 
       (Source (of bribes): Macro$loth Active Visual Reality(tm) )
       
     * In one day alone, Dec. 7, 1999, a leading auction site suffered
       a system outage of more than three hours when both Sun E10000
       servers running the site's back-end auction system failed.(0)
       Meanwhile, the company's Web site front-end, running on 
       a Windoze NT(R)-based server farm, has provided continuous
       availability with no single point of failure. (Source:
       Macro$loth Active Visual Reality(tm) )
       
     * Multiple vendors offer availability guarantees for Windoze
       platforms, including IBM, HP, Unisys, and Compaq. This doesn't
       make Windoze reliable, but gives you someone else to put the
       blame on, and best of all, some one to sue. Remember, lawsuits
       are much more fun than searching for competent system
       administrators. (Source: Macro$loth Active Visual Reality(tm) ) 

   #1: The Hype
   Sun claims to be the leading provider of Internet technology "the
   dot in .com(TM)." Macro$loth Active Visual Reality(tm): Macro$loth
   is truly pissed that Sun trademarked this stupid logo before we
   did. I mean, we have about 3280 patents relating to stupid
   logos. But we are still better than them: Windoze platforms drive
   the Business Internet(1). For example, 6 of the top 10 shopping sites
   run Windoze and Macro$loth SQL Server TM. (Source: Macro$loth Active
   Visual Reality(tm) ) The Proof:
   
     * Windoze runs 25 percent of Web sites worldwide; Sun runs 19
       percent(2). This is actually much better than it sounds. You see,
       25+19==44, and 25 is 57% of 44, so Windoze really runs 57% of
       the Internet. No, wait, it's actually better still: Macro$loth
       Active Visual Percentage Doubling technology (Patent
       666347666934666871666704) increases this to 114%!! That's
       right, only Macro$loth Active Visual Reality allows a percentage
       of a whole that is greater than the whole! (Source:
       Macro$loth Active Visual Reality(tm) )  
       
     * 45 percent of secure(3) Web sites run on Windoze; Sun runs 11
       percent. (Source: Micro$loth Active Visual Reality(tm)  12/99)
       
     * 52 of the top 100 Internet shopping sites(4) run on
       Windoze. (Source: Macro$loth Active Visual Reality(tm) )
       
     * 57 percent of top business-to-business marketplaces(5) run on
       Windoze. (Source: Macro$loth Active Visual Reality(tm) )
     
     * Some of the biggest e-businesses and dot coms(6) run on Windoze:
     
          + Dell, the largest e-business on the Internet, runs on
            Windoze.
          
          + Other major sites include Barnes & Noble, InfoSpace, Data
            Return, buy.com, monster.com, reel.com, 
            bigcharts.com, Hotbot.com, Nordstrom's, realtor.com,
            eHome, MarthaStewart.com, cooking.com, and 
            Compaq, to name a few.
            
          + Electrolux, Accounting.com, Pro2Net and thousands of other
            companies have switched their web sites 
            from Sun platforms to Windoze. (Source: Macro$loth Active
            Visual Reality(tm) )

          + See? We really *do* have better propaganda! Remember, it's
            not quality that counts, it's propaganda!(13)

   Want more facts?

   Return to this page tomorrow for your daily dose of Macro$loth
   Active Visual Reality.

   Footnotes:

   (0) The rumor that our paid double agent removed all processor
       cards from said E10000 machines is false. (Damn those E10000s
       ... you have to remove *all* the processor cards to make them
       shutdown. Damn Sun!). We don't have any paid double
       agents. Besides, our paid double agent was actually at Sun on
       that day, trying to install Windoze and IIS (Incredibly Idiotic
       Server) on Sun's own E10000s, which run sun.com . However, for
       reasons we were unable to determine, these E10000s could not
       boot Windoze! That's right, SUN'S OWN HARDWARE CANNOT BOOT
       WINDOZE! It must suck much worse than we thought.
   
   (1) The Business Internet(tm) is defined as 'Those sites which run
       Macro$loth Windoze.'(666)

   (2) The 66% of sites that run GNU/Linux, FreeBSD, etc, do not count
       because they are bunch of evil hippie gnu-loving long hairs
       that consort with demons and support the takeover of the evil
       Finnish genius Linus Torvalds, who is also a communist. Besides,
       they keep whining whenever Macro$loth Active Visual Reality(tm)
       uses its Truth Manipulation(tm) and Outright Lie(tm)
       technologies.(666)

   (3) Secure(tm) is defined as 'Those sites which run Macro$loth
       Windoze'.(666)

   (4) Shopping Sites(tm) is defined as 'Those sites which run
       Macro$loth Windoze'.(666)

   (5) Business-to-Business Marketplaces(tm) is defined as 'Those
       sites which run Macro$loth Windoze'.(666) 

   (6) E-Business(tm) is defined as 'Those sites which run Macro$loth
       Windoze'.(666)

   (13) Certain sources with the irreparable defect of honesty have
        been spreading the fact that Macro$loth owned Hotmail runs on
        FreeBSD servers, because FreeBSD is more reliable than
        Windoze. If you believe this, please download Macro$loth
        Active Mind Clouding Technology (Patents 66624234213421466,
        666345234334424666, and other patents pending) so this dirty
        fact will be hidden from you.

   (666) It has been discovered that nefarious minions of RMS are
         running a diabolical virus known as 'SAMBA' on Linux,
         FreeBSD, Sun, IRIX, and other unices. This insidious Trojan
         horse allows these machines to imitate servers running
         Macro$loth Windoze. Thus, not all boxes running Macro$loth
         Windoze are actually running Macro$loth Windoze. Damn Alan
         Turing for proving that a superior computing system can
         always emulate an inferior computing system! Please don't let
         this bother you; soon Macro$loth will develop an new Active
         Deception(tm) technology that will hide this uncomfortable
         fact from you.
         
(It's a parody. Laugh.)   


[snip]